Just got back from the Nintendo press conference, and let me tell you kids and kidseroos, outside the introduction of this sweetass new tiny tiny tiny Gameboy Micro, which is meant to appeal to “sleek sleek gadget freaks” and has a screen about as big as my thumb, a screen Nintendo calls “the cleanest screen we’ve ever put on a handheld,” and this thing plays Gameboy Advance games, brother, so yeah, outside this, Nintendo dropped the ball bigtime. As in — the Revolution was not introduced. Just that it’ll be backward-compatible for all Nintendo games, meaning you can, well, download games from the internet into the system’s flash memory, any game from Nintendo’s twenty-year history, so yeah, the thing is about as amazing as any PC with access to emulators.



At the end of the show, though, they introduced this new Zelda game, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. The Nintendo press kit this year wasn’t spectacular, they didn’t give us any new backpacks, which is okay, because every fat bastard there was still wearing the ones they got last year, anyway. No, what they gave us was far sweeter — a Nintendo DS card with the new Gamecube Zelda trailer on it. I took this thing home right away and borrowed FFDog’s DS, put the thing in, went into the bathroom, and splooged all over the screen. My lord I can hardly explain how I feel — it’s a new Zelda game, and it doesn’t look like Wind Waker, which was totally for queers and looked like a cartoon. My god, this new Zelda is a piece of work and I like it — the new Link has some phases where he looks kind of like a cowboy, and my oh my I want to squeeze my good friend Rodney “The Blue Veiner” Johnson into his tight little ass. I want to jack it hard and ride it all night. Eiji Aonuma, showing up at the conference in a T-shirt and jeans, thus revealing how damned connected he is to the people of America — I’m feeling the same violent repressed homosexual desires I felt for Miyamoto years ago. I want to invite Aonuma over for tea and then trick him into bending over a chair. I want to suck on his flesh stick while he sucks on mine. Oh my god his new game makes me feel violently, yellowly, sweatily gay. Oh it’s fucking gorgeous. Oh I’m getting an erection again. OH OH OH SPLORT

. . . so yeah, I’m not too impressed. It’s Zelda with more fog. I’m going to drink another cranberry juice and take a cold shower.